My earliest thoughts of what I would be ‘when I grew up’ was always “a nurse of course”! Why, I do not know, I did not come from a family of health care professionals, I was not sickly as a child with multiple hospitalizations, I just always KNEW, I would be a nurse.
First Attempt at Nursing School
After high school I was accepted to the nursing program at Long Beach State. That was in 1971 and the dorms were co-ed and sadly, I spent that year growing up, away from my overbearing father and well, did not attend many classes, resulting in an academic dismissal. That sent me on a general path of multiple jobs, a marriage, two children but the desire to be a nurse was never far from my heart. I was happy all those years, of course, but the desire to become a nurse never was far from my heart and I decided when I turned thirty I would return to nursing school and so, I etched out each course required to finally reach the goal of applying for nursing school and took the leap.
Which Nursing Program to Pursue?
Oddly, as much as I wanted to be a nurse, I did not understand the difference between an associate degree, a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree or even that there was such a thing as a PhD! I entered what I thought would be my only nursing degree, an ADN program thrilled to have reached my life-long dream. My first year in the program saw me on Dean’s list and a leader in the program. The second year was something vastly different…….
The ADN program was on summer break and in July seven weeks prior to my 2nd year in school, my husband committed suicide. This brings up all you can imagine and more. I could barely function with two children; I needed a new place to live; I needed to empty that ‘house’ and was deep in grief (and poverty). 1989 was a horrific year, July was the death of my husband of fifteen years, an impending return to school in August (when I barely could eat, care for my children, pay bills and much more), our family dog died in September and let’s not forget the horrific October 1989 San Francisco earthquake which further traumatizing to me and my children.
I returned to school 30-days after the suicide and all my academic accomplishments dissolved. I barely scraped by with dismal grades and one particular nursing faculty who did her best to make my life miserable. In spite of all of those challenges, I knew I had to complete my program so I could make a living and provide for my children. Complete it I did in 1990 and I was beside myself having achieved something thought unreachable for many years. You would think this is a happily ever after story, but far from it.
Entering the Nursing World
I began my long-awaited nursing career in my beloved intensive care setting. I began in August 1990 and on December 29th of that year, I became extremely ill. That was the beginning of universal precautions and latex was everywhere, in the bed, in the trash, in our pockets. On that fateful day, I became so ill from latex exposure I spent many hours in the emergency department with breathing treatments, oxygen, and prednisone. For months I went to work with a bag of medication just to survive the shift and even still, I often ended up in the ED.
Occupational Health Concerns
I loved the job so completely, I was willing to put my health at risk to continue with a job I fought hard for, excelled at, and loved completely. I achieved my dream, only to become so ill I could not continue working. I spent years ill with occupational asthma due to latex exposure. While I have worked many other jobs over the years, working in intensive care was and still is my first love. It became impossible to continue to work in the hospital where latex was still a danger to my health, so I had no other choice but to leave hospital nursing entirely.
I worked as a hospice nurse, a homecare nurse, a correction nurse, an employee health nurse, all perfectly great nursing jobs, but I was constantly ill with asthma. I was frequently taking prednisone and breathing treatments and challenged to even walk up a flight of stairs. I was also still mourning my husband. and now the job I loved so much. The chronic exposure of latex forced me to leave the job I loved and seek other nursing experiences.
Return to Nursing School
Along the way, I met and remarried a man who began to rebuild my confidence and helped me see I could be more, and I could achieve more. He encouraged me to return to school. With an ADN, I decided the next path was to enroll in a bachelor’s program but first there were a few courses I needed to complete. I shared with him it was too difficult to return to school without a laptop. At the end of that day, he presented me with the newest laptop available as well as a cellphone so I could stay connected with classmates.
I sped through those remaining courses and began my bachelor’s program where I excelled because I loved the academic process. As I mentioned in the beginning, I really had no idea of what a master’s degree meant, let alone how to achieve one but none-the-less, I plowed forward and applied for graduate school.
Applying to Grad School
Initially I applied to San Francisco State’s nursing program but to my surprise…………I received a letter from the University of California, San Francisco, also known as UCSF, that my application was incomplete. Incomplete??? I did not even realize I had applied (it appears my dyslexia was in rare form that day).
I was totally unaware of UCSF’s reputation as the top ranked nursing school in the world. However, since I always just move forward, I quickly completed the application and was accepted. I accepted enrollment in the class of 2001. That first day, in the imposingly large polished oak auditorium I sat there listening to the faculty and realized I was way out of my league in this audience of brilliant nurses from around the world. I told my husband it must all be a horrible mistake and they will find out I am there and request I leave. This was just my first of many imposter syndrome experiences.
As I was completing graduate school, professor emeritus Dr. Afaf Melise lead a class where students were required to create a poster session. Others joined my group and we wrote and delivered a presentation on workplace violence. Dr. Meleis suggested our group apply and present at the International Council of Nurses in Copenhagen which was happening one month following graduation. To placate her, I submitted the application and to our utter surprise, we were accepted!
A month before our exciting trip to Copenhagen I proudly walked across the stage and accepted my master’s degree diploma. Following the event, as we returned to the limousine for the ride home, my husband boldly proclaimed, “who thinks Pam should do her PhD!?” After a unanimous ‘yes’ from the group, I loudly proclaimed “No”, and I thought that issue was closed.
Not long after, our bags were packed and off to Copenhagen we traveled, myself, my husband and three other team members. The dean of UCSF Dr. Dracup and Dr. Meleis were among hundreds of nurses attending the conference. As a leading university, UCSF had a wine and cheese evening scheduled. It was there Dr. Meleis shepherded me around the venue introducing me as her new doctoral student. All the while I was resisting the idea completely, but my encouraging husband told me to ‘get over it’ and enjoy the night.
Considering a PhD?
As we were getting ready to leave the party and return to the hotel Dean Dracup cornered me and my husband suggesting he should arrange a meeting at UCSF upon return to California and bring Pam along so they could talk about the doctoral program. To my surprise, my loving and supportive cheer leader of a husband arranged that meeting and dragged me to UCSF. The dean sat to my left, my husband to my right and they proceeded to present the case for me to attend the doctoral program. I continued to frequently, but politely, object.
Eventually, kindly, and likely out of frustration the dean looked at me and said “Pam, I am infinitely better prepared than you are to decide who should go into the doctoral program and who should not.” It was then and there I gave in and agreed to the next step in education that I never expected to attempt.
I told my husband a PhD program was not an easy thing to undertake. I would do it, but he would have to cook, grocery shop, clean the house and do laundry the entire time I am working through the doctoral program. To his absolute credit he did all of that and more, never ceasing to be the man who believed I could do anything. I accomplished the goal of completing the doctoral program in 2007 and with the newly minted diploma, I dreamed of pursuing a career as an educator however, the monetary impact of academics simply was not feasible.
Following Another Dream – To Teach
In 2015, to satisfy the desire to teach, I began as an adjunct instructor beginning with Grand Canyon University, Boise State University, and Chamberlain. In 2023, I retired from my full-time nursing role and began part-time adjunct teaching at Linfield University School of Nursing. I found another love, teaching students who are following the same dreams I chased years ago. Watching them learn, grow, become accomplished, graduate and join the profession of nursing. I only wish I had found it earlier. Watching students work hard, graduate and obtain their prized nursing licenses is deeply fulfilling and the only other time in all of my nursing life that I have loved more than my time in intensive care.
I often share my journey with my students who sometimes think someone with a PhD is to be exalted and something only few can actually attain, but my journey demonstrates if I can do it, so can they.
That is my story, well most of it anyway. The takeaway that is most important to me is my love of nursing and no adversity I ever encountered would get in the way of my dream. I would hope whoever reads this story will feel they too can realize their dreams and while life throws many challenges on our path to our goals, it is still achievable.
Another great guest post in our series on moving from the bedside. Many thanks to Pamela Foreman!
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CALL TO ACTION:
If you are a nurse who works in a position away from the bedside, please contact me and let’s tell your story here. If you’d like to write your own post or answer a few questions so I can write it, please let me know. We all know how hard we work, and the toll it takes on our personal lives as well as our professional careers. Let’s help each other discover new ways to help and heal.
Thanks,
Kathy